A post about poop

As some of you may know, I've been having some stomach issues lately. Thursday and Friday I'd thrown up, Thursday tossed some pooping in there (which had been a problem for about a week, being soft and I'd been really gassy). So Friday I went to the doctor and saw the nurse practitioner who is worried about my abdominal pain possibly being gall bladder related since I'd been in for stomach pain and nausea before and therefore ordered an abdominal ultrasound the following Friday and then gave me lab orders to collect a stool sample to test to see if maybe the food poisoning that I had a couple of weeks ago was maybe hanging on. So I left the office with the nice collection kit in a bag that you can't see through and I go home to hopefully collect a sample before I go to work for the day so that I can take the sample with me.

Unfortunately, my bowel said that wasn't to be. I didn't think that it was that big of a deal because I'd done some major puking the day before and had only eaten some ramen and an apple. So I went to work and got my work done but was still having abdominal pain. Then I came home and took a Motrin 800 and then that did absolutely nothing for the sharp pains that I was having so I took a vicoden on top of that. Knocked me out and I stayed out through the next morning. In fact, I think that I was still drugged when my mom woke me up the next morning to go gift wrapping for church.

I felt ok Saturday morning. I had a bottle of juice while wrapping gifts and took a motrin because I was having some pains. And they were ok. I went with my friends to get Brandon Inge's autograph on a baseball for my uncle for Christmas. I felt good. We went to Wendy's and I had a frescatta sandwich and a side salad. Went home to go to church and during church my stomach started hurting. I was having sharp pains and having issues standing up. Got home from church and I tried to poop because I felt like I had to poop but I couldn't. So I put on comfy pants and farted a few times and took a short nap and all was well. Mom and I went to JoAnn's and I got my embossing table that I wanted. Stopped at Fazoli's and I got a sampler platter to bring home. I ate about half of it and put the rest in the fridge. I was messing around on the net and my stomach started hurting again. And it was hurting bad. My mom told me to go take a vicoden so I did and she changed into her comfy fleece nightshirt. She just got comfortable on the couch when I realized that nothing was getting better and that I needed to go to the hospital. So we get ready and go and since I work at a hospital, I have to use that hospital, instead of the one that's 10 minutes away. So as she's speeding down I-75 to Covenant, I'm sitting in the passenger seat balled up in pain and crying at times. It hurt so badly. But mom was joking on the way that I just had to wait until she had her bra off to decide that I needed to go to the hospital. I, being myself, said that's what caused it.

When I walked into the Emergency Room I was so grateful to see a former teammate of mine from highschool as the triage nurse and she helped get me through before the 6 other people that were sitting in the ER (Thank you Becky!). But while we were waiting for a room to open up (It's midnight now) my mom suddenly gets the bright idea that I'm constipated since I haven't pooped since Thursday and that she should have given me an enema at home. I'm more worried about appendix or gall bladder. Even though some of the pain is on the left side and not just the right. And the damn vicoden isn't working, I'm still in pain. I get back into the exam room and dressed in the oh so sexy hospital gown (I'm so glad though that it did cover my ass thanks to the way that it tied, that made it better) and under the sheet. The doctor comes in and asks some questions and says that I don't look sick and so she thinks that I'm constipated so we'll do an abdominal x-ray, pelvic exam and UA. Joy.

Three hours later after being scanned, prodded and peeing in a cup...

The diagnosis is in...

I'm full of shit.

Of course the doctor didn't tell me this because I'd been in the exam room for two hours and had to pee really badly so as soon as I go to the bathroom, the doctor comes back in and tells my mom that all my tests were normal and that I'm just full of stool and so she's going to prescribe some magnesium citrate for me.

So I get discharged and we get home at 3:30 and I don't fall asleep until after 4:30. And mom and I were supposed to go Christmas shopping Sunday with Grandma P. Well, we woke up in time to go shopping with her, just a bit later than expected. So before I get in the shower, the four fiber pills that I'd taken the night before kicked in and so I got out the lil hat for the toilet and managed to collect a sample to take in. Hooray! And then before we left, I pooped again. And it felt good.

But they were little poops and I was still full of it. So we stopped at Big Apple Bagels for me to get a mocha and we figured that coffee and walking around the mall would help.

It didn't.

We went to Applebee's for dinner with grandma and I ordered a side salad and a chicken fajita rollup thinking that'd get things moving.

All that it did was upset my stomach and when we got back to grandma's house, all I did was fart a few times.

And fart was all that I did last night.

So finally this morning I have pooped twice! And it feels good!

I'm not full of shit anymore!